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December Weight Achieved

HW:232 lbs

CW: 212 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I’m finally back down to the weight I was at in December!! FINALLY!

After an exhausting week of vacation, forgetting meds some of the days and having to eat junk on the road, I’m so glad my weight went down.

Chronic illness definitely made this past week so much harder but I’m thankful for the happy memories I got to make.

I’m too exhausted to say anything else, I’m hoping I’m back to my normal state by Wednesday. Let’s keep our fingers crossed!

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Don’t Commit Suicide

I had an A M A Z I N G day exploring the Smoky Mountains with Dillon yesterday ❤️ I have more pics to come but this was one of my favorite moments from our mountain adventure; Dillon carved our initials into an old bridge we came across. It’s something cliché I have always wanted to happen in my life; and I have someone who loves me so much that he stopped to make it happen. Not just that, but he stopped every time I asked, letting me look around, take pics, play in streams, etc. He is my best friend and I’m so thankful. Without him, there’s no way I would feel safe leaving Texas, like EVER. He’s helping me see the world, a little at a time, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I’m so thankful I’m learning to live with all of my chronic illnesses. It’s been a H A R D 19 months. 19 months ago was my bilateral sympathectomy, the day I thought my life would change for the better and I awoke to a nightmare. I lived in constant pain and sadness for a long time. My right hand has Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) because of a brachial plexus injury during my sympathectomy. It was a side effect I never knew was possible, so I was completely blindsided when I learned the extent of my injury months later after seeing multiple specialists. I may never be able to use my hand as I once did, but I am adapting everyday to new challenges that constantly arise.

There was an extended period of time last year that I spent everyday in bed just waiting to die. My heart failure symptoms were out of control, I was so short of breath 24/7, everyday I had headaches, nausea and sometimes vomiting but the biggest issue was I was in CONSTANT pain in my right hand. Seeing specialist after specialist and no one was able to help. They’d throw different pills at me, I tried them all with no luck for any of my symptoms. I was so miserable and broken, then I lost my job in the middle of it all because I couldn’t get better. I was trying so hard, but I wasn’t making any progress. I ended up VERY depressed. Suicide bounced around my head daily for months, knowing it was the only way to stop the pain.

But finally, after 19 months I’m starting to remember who I was before all the pain and bad days broke me. Piece by piece, with every resource I can possibly get my hands on, I’ve began to put myself back together.

I have forgiven those who made me feel abandoned, and I have let go of who I was.

That’s what this trip has been for me so far, confirmation that I can still do tons of fun things despite all of my new limitations.

I’m glad I haven’t died yet and I’m around to enjoy all of these adventures with Dillon. I know everyone isn’t as lucky, so even though I live in constant pain, I am so thankful for the life I have.

If you are thinking of suicide, please get help because no one can survive mental illness alone. You can tell someone you trust, search for a counselor online or call the National Suicide Hotline (800-273-8255) which is available 24/7. I know how hard life can be, so you can also contact me anytime to talk. Just don’t give up on yourself, your life is worth the fight.

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Slow and Steady

HW:232 lbs

CW: 214.8 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I haven’t posted my update in a minute, oops. Consistency is difficult these days but I’m still trying to lose weight.

I started doing 5 squats a day around the first of May. I know it’s not a lot, and it’s sad I can still barely do 10 on my great days but it’s progress.

Speaking of progress, there is proof I am getting younger and thinner 👏🏻👏🏻 I was ID twice today to verify I was over 18! That hasn’t happened in a long time, so I’m thinking it’s a good thing.

I can’t wait till I feel better so I can do my make up. I really want to get a good new picture of my haircut, I’m really loving it short! It’s so much easier to manage. Unfortunately, I have been having problems with my left arm and hand, and as you know my right hand doesn’t work properly already. So doing things has been a little extra difficult, so the fun stuff like GLAM, has been put on hold. It’s OK though, working on my T-shirt’s is a fun task I’m loving right now, that still offers a way to make extra cash. I just can’t stop trying to make my own money; hustler at heart.

https://teespring.com/stores/chill-revival

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Chill Revival

I use to be a beautiful disaster, but now I am a chill revival.

I’ve survived the hardest parts of my life thus far, there is no reason I can’t keep pushing on.

I have finally felt a shift, I feel more positive everyday and with each new day, my body hurts more. I can do a 10th of what I use to, only able to focus for short intervals and other countless negatives. However, that won’t stop me, I’m too stubborn.

I will have to go slow, very slow. Everyday will be a struggle of maintaining a positive attitude and persisting on towards my goals. In the end, I know it will all be worth it.

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Forever Forward

I have always been afraid to admit what I want, you know, the dream that you are afraid is just out of reach. The one you can’t even whisper because it will disappear, leaving you feeling like it was never yours to have.

That is what I’m talking about, that’s what scares me.

I got completely lost in pain and confusion for over a year and a half. It was definitely the worst period of my life thus far, I mean excruciating pain psychically and emotionally tortured me for months. Then I spent months adapting to a completely new life. A life where I only have 1 and a half hands, my right hand permanently damaged from my sympathectomy surgery resulting in varying degrees of constant pain since November of 2016. My new normal consists of waking up everyday nauseous, the thought of my favorite foods make me want to hurl and I can’t lose weight. The scale has bounced back and forth between the same numbers for months now, it’s so frustrating but I have to keep trying. So I do. I’m always out of breath, it never gets better, neither does the fatigue. My body is literally just breaking down in various areas for various to unknown reasons, which is comical in a depressing way. Oh well, life keeps going forward, forever. Never stopping, I can’t waste it.

That is what I decided Saturday night, and if I ever get the chance to meet Miranda Lambert, I will thank her for living her life well. It was during her concert even though I couldn’t see her. Stuck in the middle of a standing room concert pit sitting in my walker because I was too exhausted to stand, I realized it; my life made sense again.

I won’t settle.

I realized contemplating where Miranda started and who she is now and I thought, wow. She is allowed to be unapologetically herself, a successful business woman and started a successful non profit promoting the adoption of shelter dogs, all while having over 3 million people hear her message through her songs and that’s when it hit me.

I realized exactly what I need to do, even more clearly than before. Now that I know the goal, I just have to figure out how to get from point A to B despite my new speed limit. At the end of the day, no matter how much I want something, I understand my illness could prevent me from achieving everything I hope to. However, that doesn’t mean that I won’t keep moving towards my dreams, no matter the speed or detours I have to take.

I am grateful, even though my body is broken it has working parts, thus I live. As long as I breath, no matter how difficult, I want to maximize it by helping people on a large scale. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and I’m excited for it all to come to fruition.

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Destiny

I was calm.

For the first time, in a very long time, I remained calm in a conversation about the future. It no longer depresses or scares me, I’m actually excited for it. Things are coming together in their own, weird, cosmic way.

I’m finding my path and even though I keep falling down, I don’t stop. I’m creating the best life I can with the cards I’ve been dealt.

I’d say ‘wish me luck’ but it’s not needed; I am able to see my destiny now.

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