Happiness consumes me, as this was a good day. I always feel re-energized after spending time with my little loves and my momma, of course.

I feel like I’m at a pivot in my life and I’m finally heading in a better direction. I hope and pray it remains true. As only time will tell, I guess we will know as it goes by.


Gift Of Time

Dillon and I fight pretty often. It’s not like name calling and violence, but we are constantly arguing about something. We are both fiercely stubborn, but it actually may just be me who is stubborn, oops.

However, during an argument this weekend, which is Dillon’s version of helping me during a panic attack, he said something I really took to heart.

He told me I have something that so many people wish they had, time. Despite the doctors appointments and feeling bad, I still have all this free time to do anything I want.

Of course I was mad at the time, I was coming out of a panic attack all hyped up on feelings but I haven’t stopped thinking about that.

He is right, I do have time. I get to wake up when I want, I get to go where I want and I can work on anything I want. I have the time to see old friends and learn a new skill but I haven’t.

On days I feel good, I’m normally consumed with guilt for feeling bad the days prior. I spend so much time in my head sulking that my good days pass me by, wasted on guilt.

I’ve decided no more. No longer can I be adding to my burdens, I have to be the one to change them into blessings.

I’m not exactly sure how I will achieve this, but I’m going to work really hard to make it happen. I want to live a full life, not a life full of excuses. I have chronic illnesses but they can’t be what defines me.


Depressed Maybe?

I think I’m depressed, I really don’t know. I woke up this morning feeling extremely sad, which is dumb because there’s no reason to be sad. I hate that days like this happen, it’s quite pathetic.

I don’t understand why I can’t just be normal, or at the very least, not chronically ill and depressed. That’s just not the life I was given, so what am I to do? I’m currently still laying in bed at one in the afternoon, and even though I have an Upper Respiratory Infection that’s not the reason I’m still in bed.

The sadness consumes me, as if someone has died and maybe someone has, maybe me?

Days like this are the worst, the loneliness consumes me and I fight so hard to keep the tears in, but they always come out. Then I feel guilty for crying, because really, why am I? Nothing bad has happened, NOTHING, I just woke up with sadness inside me. I get so mad that I feel this way, I just wish I could make it stop but I can’t. Oh how I’ve tried for years to control my mind, but have yet to master it.

I am trapped in the prison of my own body, never able to escape this constant hell. Always expected to live up to societal norms yet restricted from doing the things I desire most. Day in and day out, I try so hard to find the best, telling myself this is good enough but the truth is, it doesn’t feel good enough. I don’t know how to make my life better, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to be doing. However, I know this too shall pass.

Feelings are only temporary, including the bad ones. So I’ll peel myself up in another hour, take a shower and fake a smile until it feels real again.



On Tuesday, the doctor diagnosed me with an upper respiratory infection. Which, really isn’t that bad compared to something like the flu or pneumonia. Yet, I still feel completely beat down as if I had something more severe. Which has led me to a couple of thoughts.

One, if I feel this bad with something as mild as an upper respiratory infection, I imagine anything worse would make me bed bound.

Two, I think it’s super annoying something as mild as an upper respiratory infection has me feeling this bad. An upper respiratory infection was something I used to work through, no big deal. Then again, I also used to be able to work on days I wasn’t sick, that also isn’t my life anymore.

I know my life is different now, I know it is but I can’t accept it. I have to continue to fight for a better tomorrow and God it is hard. It would be so much easier to let my body win and stop trying to get better but I can’t.

So I continue researching my mystery symptoms, I continue going to doctors appointments even when they seem pointless and I continue looking for new courses of treatment. I may never get better, I may live the rest of my life in this limbo hell, but at least at the end of my life, I’ll know I did everything I could to make it a good one. Because this is it, all we have. Each day that passes, is just one step closer to death and I’m tired of feeling like my days are wasted. I don’t know how I’ll change my life course, but I’m determined to try.


Sick + Tired

I feel like crying and I think crying is annoying, I hate that I am so annoying.

For the first time ever, Hamilton slept through the night, which means I should be feeling amazing for getting a full nights rest. Except I woke up this morning with a super severe sore throat.

It’s like, “gosh darn it, why is it when one thing goes right something else goes wrong?”

All I know is I’ve been feeling like crap for months and months now, with practically no relief. I can’t even remember the last time I was able to go 24 hours without some sort of pain, shortness of breath or fatigue. Then on top of that, I’ve been fighting a mild cold for weeks and then today I woke up aware I was much worse than yesterday. So I called and made a doctors appointment, because I just can’t get behind the wait and see if it gets any worse mentality.

Really, I guess I should be thankful since this should mean better days are ahead. But at this current moment, I just wish I felt better now. I was supposed to go to cardiac rehab today, but I’m definitely not making it now. I haven’t been able to go in 2 weeks due to one thing or another, and I guess this will just be another reason.

It’s frustrating at times being stuck between feeling guilty for not doing something because you’re sick, and knowing you shouldn’t be doing something because you’re sick.


Forever Young

I had a friend who passed awhile ago, we weren’t even that close in the grand scheme of my life, but he is the first person that I’ve truly missed that has died. For that, I am thankful. Some 26 year olds aren’t blessed to still have so many people they care for in their life.

My friend was a funny guy, someone you could depend on for a laugh. He was giving, I saw him go out of his way for people more times that I can count. He was a good friend, and I’m so thankful he was such a good friend to my sister and brother-in-law. I know they truly feel his loss often.

Tonight, while visiting with one of Dillon’s friends, I was reminded of this friend. There was something whimsical about the way Dillon’s friend spoke, something I recognized, for I had heard it before. I can’t really describe it beyond that, for it was only a feeling but it brought a smile to my face. Remembering my old friend in this new found one, is truly a blessing I didn’t know was coming.