So many thoughts bouncing around that I can’t even organize them. From trying to stay positive, to being worried, to being grateful, to being sad, I’m going through it all.
My biggest fear in all of this is dying before I’ve really lived. Though some would probably say I have had a full life, I disagree. Despite the things I have accomplished, there is still so much I want to achieve and see in this world.
Believe me, I know worrying is useless and unreasonable. I am a Christian and I believe in God. I am not religious in the traditional sense but I know where I’m going when I die. Do I have doubts? Of course, my faith has wavered so many times over the years due to my wondering mind but in my heart I know the truth.
I’ve seen more doctor’s offices and ER rooms than concerts, movies and friends combined in the last year. My life has become more and more restrictive but I’ve adapted.
Adaptability is the only way to survive. Literally, if you resist enough you’ll die (hence why I’m in the hospital again, because I didn’t adapt my eating habits correctly). Regardless, the fact is my body is dying, and when people say “everyone is dying” I’m like really? If you’re able to go to work everyday, eat what you want and participate in activities that make you happy, is that dying? Because to me, it sounds like living.
Let me tell you what dying is like for me. Dying is feeling yourself grow weaker. Dying is not being able to go to events due to exhaustion and I’m not talking about being tired because you went to bed late. I’m talking about exhaustion that radiates to every limb in your body. Numbness in your legs and feet, numbness in your hands and arms, all because your heart isn’t pumping strong enough. Your mind starts to struggle with remembering things and you get so out of breath you see dancing lights. You walk slow and still you have to focus on every breath and step. Despite your slow pace you still get nauseous and sometimes have to throw up. Why? Because your heart is weak. There is literally nothing wrong any of those body systems, I’ve had countless test to prove this. So it all comes back to my heart. Because of this, I know my body is dying.
Yet, it’s only temporary. I will either get my transplant, or I won’t. Worrying about what is to come is a waste of energy, especially when I already have so little. So instead, I will channel my mind to focus on planning for the future and adapting to my new restricted diet. I will try to be kind in all things and thank those who help me. I will try to resist the temptation to say negative things and I will do my best to be positive. I will try.