I am just so exhausted. I can’t even begin to describe the level of exhaustion I feel. My brain is bouncing around with everything I need to do, all the commitments I’ve made for myself, and I just can’t get anything done.

My only accomplishment today was making scrambled eggs with spinach for lunch. This is day two of my low sodium diet and I’m sticking to it, no matter what food craving I get. I know my weight will be the only thing standing between me and my new heart, I refuse to die because I’m fat. Having a heart disease led to my weight gain, but it’s not going to be what kills me.

I don’t see how I could possibly pass my test next Wednesday if I continue to feel this way. I don’t know how a heart transplant wouldn’t be deemed medically necessary when I get out of breath standing up. This is the first time in my life, where failing a test won’t be the worst case scenario. So that’s what I’m waiting on, one more test and losing 10 pounds, then hopefully I’ll be on the heart transplant list.
Once I’m on the list,  I could be waiting months for a transplant. This is why it’s so important I follow my low sodium diet, so I don’t have fluid overload again. Fluid overload, just means my body is holding too much fluid and it increases my shortness of breath symptoms. Which makes me feel extra crappy, and feeling regularly crappy is crappy enough. Do you think I said crappy enough? 😂

Anyways, I’m looking forward to my heart transplant So I can participate in all the things I’ve had to give up. The number one thing I’m looking forward to is running, followed by going back to work. Now, I may never return to Texas Health Resources, but I know I will have an amazing career, as soon as I’m healthy enough to get stuff done.

Being blindly optimistic is the only option anymore. Worry, doubt and fear takes up too much energy, energy I no longer have to spare.

Posted in Now

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