I’m a constant contradiction especially when I’m unsure of what I want. I could be happy with so many scenarios that it’s hard for me to pick just one to focus on. Which is exactly how I’ve always viewed motherhood.

When I was a child I thought becoming a mother would be fun but by the time I was in 7th grade, I had written an autobiography and there were no children in my future. Then at 17 it came to my attention that having a child could be dangerous to me as well as risking the health of the baby. By 18 I was considering a partial hysterectomy to ensure an accidental pregnancy would never happen. Then when I was 19 I had a boyfriend that I thought would become my husband, and I wanted to have a baby. Right then. My 19 year old mind was under the impression my body would never be in a better condition to carry a child. However, that relationship faded and so did my urge to become pregnant. I always thought when the time was right it’d just happen or it wouldn’t. That is just how I’ve felt, until now.

I’ve been struggling emotionally since my niece was born last week. I love her and I’m absolutely thrilled for my brother and sister-in-law. But acknowledging I may never get to experience pregnancy and childbirth has broken my heart a little bit.

Of course there are other options, I could use a surrogate or adopt but that isn’t my first option. I think anyone who struggles with infertility would know exactly what I mean. Except they still have hope, they can keep trying. I’m not even allowed to try and I can’t be upset by it. I know I can’t. I truly believe what is meant to be will always be. So while I do feel a deep sadness knowing I may never get to carry my own child, it’s not really any different from the sadness I’ve felt in the past.

My life is a constant adaptation of letting go of hobbies and dreams due to my condition. Even though I’m fully aware something else will come along, it doesn’t change having to mourn a lost opportunity.

Posted in Now

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