A Chronic Christmas

Do you ever wonder if your chronic illness is really as bad as it seems? Do you ever doubt your symptoms and even your sanity? I know I do.

I almost constantly wonder if it’s all in my head or if things are as bad as they seem. However, I no longer have any doubts.

Everyone loves Christmas. There is joy and presents, there is seriously nothing to dislike. I love my family, Dillon’s family and receiving gifts, who doesn’t love gifts!? Which is why I know things are as bad as they seem.

For three straight days I’ve been surrounded by wonderful people, good food and lots of gifts, yet I’ve been miserable the entire time. I’ve been praying since Friday that the lord would give me the strength to get through these festivities and he provided. We are down to only one more Christmas festivity and then I’ll finally be done. I may not get out of bed tomorrow. My body is so run down, I’m exhausted and I could just sit and cry if it was an option. That’s how I know my heart failure is bad. Today I realized how much I need a new heart. I can’t even enjoy the holidays with those I hold dear because of how much energy it takes. It’s already terribly depressing knowing you can’t give gifts to those you love because of finances but then to not even be able to enjoy their company because of pure exhaustion, it really sucks.

There isn’t a cure for my heart disease (ARVD) nor heart failure. The only way I can improve is by being blessed with a heart transplant. At least, that is what I’ve been told. I’m still waiting to get on the heart transplant list, I’m not sure if or when that’ll happen. Regardless though, I will get better. Whether it’s on Earth with a new heart or in heaven, one day I will be better.

Posted in Now

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