I didn’t even realize I had anxiety at night until the other day. I’ve always said, ” I just can’t fall asleep,” when asked what my sleeping troubles are. However, the other night I realized, when I lay down to sleep it’s the first time I relax in a days time.
Once I start to relax, I start to think and it spirals from there. I start counting everything I forgot to do, I remember read messages in my inbox that I need to reply to, I find the to do list I made the night prior, I realize payments are due, I remember I still didn’t buy groceries and then it occurs to me it’s been almost nine months since I worked. Then I start to get sad. I’m sad I no longer have my job, my money or my independence. Then I move to guilt. I feel guilty I’m not strong enough to work, that my parents have to help me and that my fiancé has to deal with me. From guilt I move to remembering things that were, and I slide back into sadness for awhile. Then I normally start looking on my phone for inspirational quotes to bring myself out of the funk. Then I end up in 4 other applications researching random facts, writing blog posts or looking at pictures of baby animals.
This is why I don’t sleep. My mind is hurting but it’s fighting. Even when I’m sad or feeling guilty, there is still pain. Pain to regain what I’ve lost, motivation for a better tomorrow and acceptance that things just take time.
Through everything since 11/8/2016, I’ve learned what I need most in life is patience. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it does make things easier to deal with.