Now

Ramblings

On Tuesday, the doctor diagnosed me with an upper respiratory infection. Which, really isn’t that bad compared to something like the flu or pneumonia. Yet, I still feel completely beat down as if I had something more severe. Which has led me to a couple of thoughts.

One, if I feel this bad with something as mild as an upper respiratory infection, I imagine anything worse would make me bed bound.

Two, I think it’s super annoying something as mild as an upper respiratory infection has me feeling this bad. An upper respiratory infection was something I used to work through, no big deal. Then again, I also used to be able to work on days I wasn’t sick, that also isn’t my life anymore.

I know my life is different now, I know it is but I can’t accept it. I have to continue to fight for a better tomorrow and God it is hard. It would be so much easier to let my body win and stop trying to get better but I can’t.

So I continue researching my mystery symptoms, I continue going to doctors appointments even when they seem pointless and I continue looking for new courses of treatment. I may never get better, I may live the rest of my life in this limbo hell, but at least at the end of my life, I’ll know I did everything I could to make it a good one. Because this is it, all we have. Each day that passes, is just one step closer to death and I’m tired of feeling like my days are wasted. I don’t know how I’ll change my life course, but I’m determined to try.

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