Now

Forever Forward

I have always been afraid to admit what I want, you know, the dream that you are afraid is just out of reach. The one you can’t even whisper because it will disappear, leaving you feeling like it was never yours to have.

That is what I’m talking about, that’s what scares me.

I got completely lost in pain and confusion for over a year and a half. It was definitely the worst period of my life thus far, I mean excruciating pain psychically and emotionally tortured me for months. Then I spent months adapting to a completely new life. A life where I only have 1 and a half hands, my right hand permanently damaged from my sympathectomy surgery resulting in varying degrees of constant pain since November of 2016. My new normal consists of waking up everyday nauseous, the thought of my favorite foods make me want to hurl and I can’t lose weight. The scale has bounced back and forth between the same numbers for months now, it’s so frustrating but I have to keep trying. So I do. I’m always out of breath, it never gets better, neither does the fatigue. My body is literally just breaking down in various areas for various to unknown reasons, which is comical in a depressing way. Oh well, life keeps going forward, forever. Never stopping, I can’t waste it.

That is what I decided Saturday night, and if I ever get the chance to meet Miranda Lambert, I will thank her for living her life well. It was during her concert even though I couldn’t see her. Stuck in the middle of a standing room concert pit sitting in my walker because I was too exhausted to stand, I realized it; my life made sense again.

I won’t settle.

I realized contemplating where Miranda started and who she is now and I thought, wow. She is allowed to be unapologetically herself, a successful business woman and started a successful non profit promoting the adoption of shelter dogs, all while having over 3 million people hear her message through her songs and that’s when it hit me.

I realized exactly what I need to do, even more clearly than before. Now that I know the goal, I just have to figure out how to get from point A to B despite my new speed limit. At the end of the day, no matter how much I want something, I understand my illness could prevent me from achieving everything I hope to. However, that doesn’t mean that I won’t keep moving towards my dreams, no matter the speed or detours I have to take.

I am grateful, even though my body is broken it has working parts, thus I live. As long as I breath, no matter how difficult, I want to maximize it by helping people on a large scale. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and I’m excited for it all to come to fruition.

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