Now

Don’t Commit Suicide

I had an A M A Z I N G day exploring the Smoky Mountains with Dillon yesterday ❤️ I have more pics to come but this was one of my favorite moments from our mountain adventure; Dillon carved our initials into an old bridge we came across. It’s something cliché I have always wanted to happen in my life; and I have someone who loves me so much that he stopped to make it happen. Not just that, but he stopped every time I asked, letting me look around, take pics, play in streams, etc. He is my best friend and I’m so thankful. Without him, there’s no way I would feel safe leaving Texas, like EVER. He’s helping me see the world, a little at a time, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I’m so thankful I’m learning to live with all of my chronic illnesses. It’s been a H A R D 19 months. 19 months ago was my bilateral sympathectomy, the day I thought my life would change for the better and I awoke to a nightmare. I lived in constant pain and sadness for a long time. My right hand has Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) because of a brachial plexus injury during my sympathectomy. It was a side effect I never knew was possible, so I was completely blindsided when I learned the extent of my injury months later after seeing multiple specialists. I may never be able to use my hand as I once did, but I am adapting everyday to new challenges that constantly arise.

There was an extended period of time last year that I spent everyday in bed just waiting to die. My heart failure symptoms were out of control, I was so short of breath 24/7, everyday I had headaches, nausea and sometimes vomiting but the biggest issue was I was in CONSTANT pain in my right hand. Seeing specialist after specialist and no one was able to help. They’d throw different pills at me, I tried them all with no luck for any of my symptoms. I was so miserable and broken, then I lost my job in the middle of it all because I couldn’t get better. I was trying so hard, but I wasn’t making any progress. I ended up VERY depressed. Suicide bounced around my head daily for months, knowing it was the only way to stop the pain.

But finally, after 19 months I’m starting to remember who I was before all the pain and bad days broke me. Piece by piece, with every resource I can possibly get my hands on, I’ve began to put myself back together.

I have forgiven those who made me feel abandoned, and I have let go of who I was.

That’s what this trip has been for me so far, confirmation that I can still do tons of fun things despite all of my new limitations.

I’m glad I haven’t died yet and I’m around to enjoy all of these adventures with Dillon. I know everyone isn’t as lucky, so even though I live in constant pain, I am so thankful for the life I have.

If you are thinking of suicide, please get help because no one can survive mental illness alone. You can tell someone you trust, search for a counselor online or call the National Suicide Hotline (800-273-8255) which is available 24/7. I know how hard life can be, so you can also contact me anytime to talk. Just don’t give up on yourself, your life is worth the fight.

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