Lying is easy; Truth is hard

I keep pressing but I’m exhausted and would love to take a break. However, I just can’t stop – it’s one of my many excellent qualities. Passion leads me in everything I pursue, the pursuit that occupies my mind always come from a place deep within. Knowing exactly what you want is a blessing and a curse, like most things in life, the ups and downs come in pairs. At least that’s how I choose to view life, for my sanity, I have to stay positive.

It was only recently that I realized people think I’m a positive person. On a variety of occasions within the last year, people have complimented my attitude for being upbeat and other synonyms for positive. Of course like a bad reflex I vomit out a thank you and some other bland verbiage when this occurs, but it’s always a lie.

I find it ironic and amusing that I’ve become such a compulsive liar, especially since I used to always pride myself on honesty. An elaborate excuse would probably help justify this sin, but truthfully, I’m just too tired, to be honest, most of the time.

How do you feel?

Great!

Like death would be a gift.

What did the doctor say?

Nothing new to report.

They talked in circles, said they were sorry they couldn’t help but I could keep following up. Something could someday change to help them figure out how to help me. They also asked if I followed up with my PCP and cardiologist. After explaining they’ve both already excluded themselves, I then will have to repeat my symptoms again so they can try to listen this time around. It’s always some variant of the same experience but with different doctors, I’m tired of going.

What’s new with you?

Nothing really, just living one day at a time.

Oh, about 4 New symptoms this month and no one knows why. I randomly vomit and sometimes I fall down and end up laying in it for 30 minutes. After that amount of time, I can normally get enough strength together to clean myself up and find my way to bed. Then I will have a day where I feel really good and the next like death, it’s really confusing. Not to mention exhausting and really there isn’t a way to plan for it, it just happens.

 

Posted in Now

One thought on “Lying is easy; Truth is hard

  1. I feel like I am the opposite. If someone asks, i will tell them everything. Turns out people only want to hear the possitive. They stop asking. I know friends who have distanced themselves, but I dont blame them. Im a negative nancy. (And to prove it), i hate it. I dont know how i got here. Well, i know a few of the reasons. My old coworker used to call me pollyanna. I came in to work so happy every day, and it was real, and i didnt let even the big things hold me down for long. I enjoyed what i did. My family life wasnt perfect, my relatipnship of the time was emotionally abusive, but i kept all that in. I guess i just cant anymore. But this negaitivity is a horrible cycle. You tell people you are sick all the time. You try explaining why you cant or dont feel up to this or that. They cant understand. It makes you more frustrated, more negative. Ive actually told my self on so many occasions, “ok, these people love you. Give them a break. Dont complain even if somethong hurts today. Ok. One day. Can i do two? Nope, it just slipped out. I said it. I dont feel well. I said it, why dont you care. Why arent you trying to do something? Why arent you being more supportive? Necause as my dad used to tell me “its always somethong woth you (medically). The stress and anger bring on more side effects. Yes. It is always something. I feel like my body is betraying me. It is always something, thanks foe pointing it out. Im glad youve noticed. If you could just try to imagine what it is like to always have somethong wrong, but you wont, even if you really could. When they say its always something, they are saying we get it. Youre sick. Youre getting annoying. My husband has said these three words a few times now. He never gets sick, just like my dad never did. It breaks my heart when i hear these words. I know it means im exhausting you. Im sorry. Lets see how many days i can keep it to myself again… 😔 but aftwr tomorrow i leave my toxic job. Im so afraid of change but i am excited about my new job. I hope it can help me be more possitive. I hope i can find some self confidence i lost quite a while back. And hope is positive, so i guess thats one step in the right direction.

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