I keep pressing but I’m exhausted and would love to take a break. However, I just can’t stop – it’s one of my many excellent qualities. Passion leads me in everything I pursue, the pursuit that occupies my mind always come from a place deep within. Knowing exactly what you want is a blessing and a curse, like most things in life, the ups and downs come in pairs. At least that’s how I choose to view life, for my sanity, I have to stay positive.
It was only recently that I realized people think I’m a positive person. On a variety of occasions within the last year, people have complimented my attitude for being upbeat and other synonyms for positive. Of course like a bad reflex I vomit out a thank you and some other bland verbiage when this occurs, but it’s always a lie.
I find it ironic and amusing that I’ve become such a compulsive liar, especially since I used to always pride myself on honesty. An elaborate excuse would probably help justify this sin, but truthfully, I’m just too tired, to be honest, most of the time.
How do you feel?
Like death would be a gift.
What did the doctor say?
Nothing new to report.
They talked in circles, said they were sorry they couldn’t help but I could keep following up. Something could someday change to help them figure out how to help me. They also asked if I followed up with my PCP and cardiologist. After explaining they’ve both already excluded themselves, I then will have to repeat my symptoms again so they can try to listen this time around. It’s always some variant of the same experience but with different doctors, I’m tired of going.
What’s new with you?
Nothing really, just living one day at a time.
Oh, about 4 New symptoms this month and no one knows why. I randomly vomit and sometimes I fall down and end up laying in it for 30 minutes. After that amount of time, I can normally get enough strength together to clean myself up and find my way to bed. Then I will have a day where I feel really good and the next like death, it’s really confusing. Not to mention exhausting and really there isn’t a way to plan for it, it just happens.