Oh what a day! Dillon took me to test drive new cars and I ended up having a small panic attack at the car lot. I should have stopped when I first started struggling but I wanted to keep going so bad. My stubbornness is how I got overheated, causing severe lightheadedness and blurry vision. Adding that on top of my constant pain and shortness of breath, my body couldn’t handle the symptom overload, so it did what it does best, panic.
When I realized a panic attack was starting, I made Dillon abruptly leave. Unfortunately, I know I sounded rude when I told the saleswoman we were leaving with no explanation. Anytime my body becomes this distressed I have to work extremely hard not to cry, which ends up making me sound ice cold.
After calming me down in his truck and offering to take me for mexican food (my favorite), Dillon suggested I be upfront about my chronic illness and limitations with people. Instead of my approach of abruptly fleeing, which I prefer. While it is possible he is right, I just have had too many uncomfortable experiences to want to try his approach. As open as I am on social media, I’m always in fight or flight mode around others. I just don’t trust strangers and it would only take one wrong comment for my emotional state to go from panic to rage.
Rage is a scary emotion that I try extremely hard to avoid. Whenever I do experience rage, I have tachycardia, which then makes everything worse. Luckily, I’ve never been shocked by my defibrillator during rage tachy, but it always shows up on the report at the doctor’s office. This is something I learned about my body in my late teens, which is when I started adapting how I interact with others. Making the conscious choice to not allow emotions to take over, is an extremely difficult task but one I had mastered.
Unfortunately though, controlling my emotions, attitude and thoughts has been increasingly more difficult over the last two years. I’ve noticed a direct correlation between my physical ailments and how it has affected my ability to make conscious choices. It’s unfortunate my mental state has deteriorated but I know if I can get my body healthier, my mind will be too.
Taking it one day at a time, I’m trying to heal myself mind, body and spirit. All the while ,still trying to do normal adult activities like car shopping. It’s a treacherous path I walk, but I’m learning to love the adventure instead of fearing it. This is my life, not my choice, but my life none the less.