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New Normal

It was really hard getting out of the house today after feeling so bad the past few days. But this morning after my mom called and woke me up at 11:30am, being the 6th time I was awaken since going to sleep that night, I realized I had to get up.

Yesterday I made a promise to myself, a prayer, a beg from the universe, whatever you want to call it. In the peak of what I’ve determined as the WORST pain I’ve felt in a long time, I was desperate and said to myself: “Everyday, no matter how bad you feel, what may hurt or how out of breath you get, everyday that isn’t like this, you will get your ass out of this house and start enjoying life again!”

Yesterday was a wake up call for me because I realized this general feeling that I refer to as “tired” isn’t going away and I will always feel moderately shitty for the rest of my life. I mean, I have several chronic illnesses that have heavily impacted my life and they have totaled my body. I’m running on faulty and missing parts, just doing my best to put myself back together again. I will never be what I once was, but I can look just as good once I’m refurbished.

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Not Working

HW:232 lbs

CW: 226 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

So I totally forgot to post my weigh in yesterday, but I didn’t forget to weigh. Yesterday I weighed in at 227, after being at 219 on Saturday. I gained 8 pounds in one day, and yes it makes a huge difference. I can definitely tell I’m holding fluid, I’m getting winded way faster than my normal out of breath rate. I don’t even know why I gained so much, I have a hard time remembering things, and of course I didn’t write down my food for Saturday. However I just don’t know what I ate that had so much salt.

I’m going to do better this week, I’m really trying. I know I need to write down what I eat every day, because I’m not able to remember the next day.Also, I have to count my sodium intake, which is such a pain in the ass.

I feel really rundown today and it’s very frustrating. At least I have lost a couple of ounces since yesterday, I’m going to take additional diuretics today, and hope my weight is normal by Wednesday.

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Seeing Positive

I’ve been trying so hard to be more active lately, push through the pain and discomfort. I thought all was going well till today.

My sweet cousin came and got me for lunch which was so nice of her. We went for Sushi and it was a great time. However, I am sad that I started feeling bad towards the end of lunch, and by the time I got home I was yawning and ready for bed again.

It’s absolutely ridiculous how little I can do these days before I’m fatigued. It’s just funny because I feel like I’ve been saying this for awhile now, but it still surprises me.

Though it’s not my idea of a perfect life, I am still grateful for what I can do. Mindset is everything, and I’m trying so hard to see everything as a positive.

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Twinning with Kay

A few months before Kaydance was born, I legitimately was worried I wouldn’t live to meet her. I was in the thick of being evaluated for a heart transplant, and I just didn’t know what would happen. Live, Die, I didn’t know but thankfully needing a heart transplant has now been ruled out. Maybe in the future but not now, for now I live.

This means I was able to see Kaydance the day she joined our world and many times since. I’ve always wanted a niece even as a little girl, well once I learned I was never getting a little sister that is. Kaydance is such a blessing, we share the same genetics so we have the same eyes and hair, and I’m convinced she looks like me lol I’ve always wanted a twin 👯‍♀️ but I pray she has a better heart and will never have to deal with ARVD and Heart Failure.

BUT if she does, I hope I’m able to be an example of how you can still come out on top. That despite ALL the setbacks you might experience in life, your comeback can always be greater.

She is also a reminder that if I want my own children, I will have to work really hard on my body for it to be a possibility. If I‘m being truthful, I just don’t know if I’ll ever get to have my own children. I really don’t know what my path holds but I know whatever happens, what is meant to be will always be. ❤️

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No Struggle, No Progress

HW:232 lbs

CW: 222 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

My weight hasn’t changed yet which sucks but is expected since I’m struggling to turn down carbs.

I’ve decided to try a Keto diet or low carb diet again and I think it’ll be the easiest to stick to after I get going. I really got into it back in 2016 but I only made it a couple weeks in when I had a tachycardia storm and was told to stop. Now that my tachycardia has been absent for over a year, I’m ready to try again.

Luckily, I’m very educated on what I should and shouldn’t eat so going out and things won’t be stressful like when I was just counting calories in the Fall. I hate having to count every calorie, I prefer counting carbs instead so this is going to be great.

I just have to learn to have self control, because my self restraint can be really lacking at times when it comes to unhealthy food. However, I know it’s an issue and I know with time I will learn to say no to my self indulgence.

This is going to be a long and trying year; nothing will be easy about losing 70 pounds but it will definitely be worth it.

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#Blessed

I’ve heard to make every day a good day and boy did I today! I had so much fun seeing a couple of my old friends at a brunch and brush lettering class held by By Design! I have been awing brush lettering for a few years and wanted to learn how to do it, but due to my post-op hand injury in 2016, I didn’t get to start. However now, I’m finally stable enough with my left handwriting that I felt confident to try this, and while it still looks rough, I’m obsessed 😍 I can even do some writing with my right hand now but I have to hold it in a really weird way and then I’m in moderate to severe pain within minutes. Having CRPS can be a a real bitch 😒 but I guess it was the price I paid to not have tachycardia anymore. It is truly a blessing to say I’ve officially been off beta blockers for over a year now! I really appreciate how time really can heal you, it’s amazing.

After the lettering class, I went with my mom to my nephew’s baseball game. I swear, Kellan is so big now and it makes me a little sad. Mainly because I’m realizing how old I’m getting 😭😂

While at the game I was becoming seriously jealous of baby Graham’s gorgeous eyes 😍 I just wish this picture did him justice! Unfortunately, he isn’t related to me but I’d totally claim that he was 🙌🏻

But honestly, my favorite part of today was getting to spend it all with my best friend, my momma. I am so thankful for my new perspective on life and everyone who has helped me get here❤️ #blessed.

Head over to my instagram for pictures 😍

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Butterfly Emerging 2019

Here is the scoop:

Somewhere between 2013 and 2015 I gained weight, a lot of weight! I had been steadily gaining since 2012 but by 2015 it was very apparent. In total, at my highest weight I gained 105 pounds. In 2011 I hit my all time low of 128 pounds and my all time high topped 232 pounds in 2016.

I ended 2016 knowing I had to make changes in 2017. So I lost a few pounds last Spring but I really started to see a difference by Fall! Only about 10-20 pounds gone, holding water makes it super inconsistent, but I can see a little difference in my appearance already.

After all this time, I now understand chronic illness is just my cross to bear and I am determined to become strong enough for it. This means I have to really recenter my mind, body and spirit. I honestly feel like my body will be the easiest of the these tasks. So with that, I am beginning my one year weight loss challenge. I am going to start posting weight updates every Sunday and that’s all I know so far. I’m not even sure where I’ll start, maybe a detox or keto, we’ll see. I just know a year from now, I will be in a better place.

HW:232 lbs

CW: 222 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I actually can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve always been tolerating of my plus size figure but I never wanted to disclose my actual weight. Admitting the numbers still kind of shocks and disappoints me. I now admit I have not been doing everything I can to help myself but I’m going to change that. So I’m going to share this butterfly quote again because it’s just completely in sync with how I’ve been feeling.

I’m leaving the past as I transform my mind, body and spirit into something new and beautiful.

I haven’t felt this confident or excited in a long time, so I’m really ready for this new chapter of my life. 🦋

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