Down but Not Out

HW:232 lbs

CW: 216.4 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I’ve been very symptomatic with constant nausea and all over body pain this past week. Not to mention the dry heaving and vomiting that is now happening every day. It’s been rough.

However, I’m still trying to push forward. I’m really focusing on my brush lettering and logo designing. I am so glad to have a hobby I enjoy again!


7 is now a 3

HW:232 lbs

CW: 217 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I’m finally seeing weight loss again and I’m so pleased! Especially after all the chaos last weekend but I’m still feeling the aftermath physically and I can’t wait for this torture to end.

I have different levels of feeling bad but call them all “sick” because that’s easiest in conversation. However, I’d love to explain the differences.

Have you ever been to the doctor and they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most severe? Probably so, it’s a concept I was taught at a very young age.

As the years have gone by my pain scale has shifted. What use to be a 7 is now a 3 and I never use a 10 no matter how bad things get.

Most normal days are a 3-4, that’s the amount of pain and discomfort I’m in on average. This week I’ve been hanging around a 6, and it’s been very difficult to push through.

I realized the other day while talking to Dillon, that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt good. I vaguely remember what it use to be like, my memory isn’t what it was but I know I use to feel good, even great. I use to have so much energy and bad days only happened a handful of times a year. It’s crazy that I may never feel that way again.

Since November 2016 I’ve been in constant pain of varying degrees. It’s truly still mind boggling that it’s possible it will continue for the rest of my life. Honestly though, it’s okay.

I’m on a new path now, emotionally, physically and mentally. I’m learning my body, my boundaries and a way to balance life with a disability. My medical condition has progressed so much that I am physically disabled. I never thought that would be a true statement and it sounds incorrect when I say it but it’s true.

However, this isn’t the end, I don’t stop here. As I’ve been working on accepting my circumstances, I have found myself feeling freer. I’m now to a point where I feel like I can fly again. I’m learning I can still do things, and I don’t have to feel guilty on the bad days. It’s really all about finding a balance and knowing what is meant to be will always find a way.


Be Responsible with Mental Illness

I not only forgot to take my medicine on Sunday, I also forgot to weigh in. So I don’t have accurate numbers for last week’s weight loss efforts. I also woke up Monday morning holding extra fluid and was miserable all day. Here we are on Tuesday, and I’m still not sure how I’ll make it out of bed today. My whole body hurts and I am so fatigued from the recent events that took place.

Needless to say, it has been a very intense and at times traumatic last few days. Out of respect for peoples’ privacy, I won’t disclose specifics of the events that transpired. All I can say is that the amount of stress I’ve had to deal with since last week has been a huge challenge.

Every day is already a struggle, and any additional stress just makes everything so much harder. I’m not good at managing any additional stress, that’s something I’ve had to acknowledge more and more in the past year. Honestly, I’m not good at managing anything these days. Sure, I still get things accomplished but it takes a lot of lists and reminders. I used to be able to remember anything off the top of my head, now I can’t even recall the day of the week unless I really think about it and sometimes I still have to look it up on my phone.

I have been disappointed in myself for a long time for being sick and then losing my job. Always doubting if I was really sick or if I was making it all up in my head, I constantly worried because I didn’t want to be the reason I was sick but I also knew how bad I physically felt. I’ve really struggled with adapting to my chronic illness since it’s no longer something I can just work through.

However, after this weekend I have a new sense of peace. I don’t know how I can find something positive after witnessing something so upsetting, but I can. Maybe it’s selfish always looking for a positive benefit from every negative situation but it’s just something that I started doing as a way of coping. To my surprise, it really does help me move past the unpleasant emotions of a negative situation.

So even though I have a chronic illness with constant pain and suffering, where some days I don’t know how to keep going, I’m okay. That’s right, I’m okay.

I’ve had to constantly worry about my mental state for over a year now but I’m honestly so relieved.

For the first time in my life, I witnessed a psychological break outside of a hospital setting. It was very surreal seeing someone so convinced of a delusion, almost as if I was watching a TV show. I’ve never had first hand experience like this before and it really put my own issues into perspective.

Which is why I can now say with confidence, I suffer from anxiety and depression. I’m not going to be embarrassed by my mental illness issues anymore because pretending they don’t exist ONLY LEADS TO MORE PROBLEMS.

That’s what I learned this weekend, out of everything that happened, it all could’ve been avoided had treatment been sought out when symptoms began. Instead though, those closest to the patient tried to contain the issues themselves for many years, and not once sought a true psychological evaluation for a destabilizing psyche.

Now the patient is in such a deteriorated mental state, there’s no telling if they will ever be able to recover. All the symptoms I witnessed were signs of a severe schizophrenic break, but since I’m not a professional or family, I’ll probably never know what the actual diagnosis is. Which final diagnosis doesn’t even matter, it’s more just for my own personal curiosity. What does matter, which is what I hope everyone will remember when dealing with themselves and others, is mental illness is called an illness because it will not get better without help. If it was called a mental cold, then maybe it would get better on its own but it’s not. Anyone experiencing mental illness issues, will never get better without appropriate medical treatment.

So be responsible with yourself and those around you. If you’re witnessing someone with a deteriorating psyche, do the right thing and get them help before they’re so gone they may never come back.

As for yourself, if you know something seems off mentally, seek help. I know it’s scary and you don’t want anyone to know, I was there, I get it. However, people knowing you have a mental illness is better than your mental illness becoming you.


One Month Update

HW:232 lbs

CW: 219lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I can’t believe I forgot to post last week! I swear it feels like I can’t remember anything which is so frustrating, but what is even more frustrating is water weight.

Yesterday was my cheat day, because I just had to eat at one of my favorite places while visiting my mom. Unfortunately though, it didn’t taste as good as I remembered and had I known it’d cause me to gain 3 pounds over night, I definitely wouldn’t have had dinner there.

I swear salt is the devil’s work. Why else would something make food taste so good but do such bad things to the body?

Eating healthy really is a challenge. I’ve been trying to find the perfect balance between carbs, calories and sodium while also ensuring an adequate amount of protein. While the last month has posed some challenges with doing this and I woke up 3 pounds heavier today, I’m still down a solid 3 pounds from where I started a month ago.

Here is what I did to lose weight:

  • Replaced sodas with unsweetened strawberry green tea lemonade
  • Replaced fries with a fresh fruit cup
  • Replaced snack crackers with a bowl of mini wheats (the brand matters)
  • Replaced popcorn with edamame

I’ve learned you just have to start somewhere. You can’t change everything overnight and you have to be patient. I’ve struggled with being patient my entire life, so when I say this is difficult, I really mean it.


Enjoy the Sun

Even though the road is treacherous, you can still enjoy walking in the sun.

That’s what I’m doing. I’m trying my very best to live the most fulfilling life. I mean crap,isn’t everyone?!

It feels so wrong to say that though.

I feel like I’m supposed to be suffering, I mean the pain and anxiety is overwhelming most days. But I don’t want to be someone that suffers, that sounds like weakness. So I’m trying everyday to be stronger, smile more and walk further than the day before.


For A Laugh

After a long day, Dillon and I were just sitting in the living room watching TV with the lights off. Khaleesi and Hamilton kept growling at each other on the loveseat and after asking (yelling at) them to stop a 100 times, I finally got up to separate them. I went to reach for them and then the TV flickered brighter and I SCREAMED!

I jumped back and pulled the light string as fast as I could! The lights came on and there it was, between my two growling puppies was a baby opossum!

Sneaky Pete was playing opossum with us and went from a dead opossum we just needed to shovel into the trash, to an adorable furry rat running around our living room. Dillon was mad the whole time and wouldn’t let me stop to take pictures of Sneaky Pete. I’m pretty bummed about that because tonight was one of the funniest experiences of my life!