Now

Get Up Anyway

I feel like I’ve gone over this time and time again, vomiting positive bullshit out of my mouth. Trying to convince myself the pain is not that bad, the situation will get better and tomorrow is a new day. You know, all the positive things I hear other people say, I’ve been trying to trick my mind into believing them.

The problem is, this is now the third week I’ve been feeling like this. I don’t even really know what’s wrong, I just know everything hurts and I’m super tired. So then I have to wonder, am I depressed?

I mean I honestly have no idea, maybe I am and I just don’t know? I guess it’s possible. The only thing I do know for sure is how guilty I feel over the condition of my physical state.

I keep thinking it’s my fault. I mean, it is just so hard for me to understand how my life ended up here. For so many years, I felt a little sense of pride working as hard as I could, through illness, pain and fatigue. Now I can’t even get out of my bed before noon because of my symptoms. Everything takes me so much longer now and there isn’t really a good way to explain that to people. How do you explain to someone that you look exactly the same, but you can’t do half of what you used to? Doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, shit it doesn’t make sense to me either.

But it is what it is. At the end of the day, this is still my life and I’m the one has to learn to manage it.

So even though every square inch of my body aches and I know if I close my eyes I’d fall back to sleep, I’m going to get up out of this bed and go to the gym. The Heart Failure Doctor told me to build up leg muscles so that is what I’m going to try and do.

In the end, losing weight and building up leg muscles may not make me feel any better. In fact, it could actually make things worse since it’s believed exercising is linked to the progression of ARVD. However, I just have to get up and do it anyways since it appears to be my last option in this fight against my body.

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Now

No Right or Wrong

My entire body aches and I yearn for rest.

I really thought I was improving things a couple of weeks ago, but now I wonder if I just over did it and I’m still just paying for trying to be normal.

There is no right or wrong, there is only trial and error when dealing with chronic illness.

People have opinions, no matter what treatment you try someone always thinks their solution is the right one. People even convince you to believe in their solutions and it’s only after a disaster you realize you shouldn’t trust anyone, even if you call them doctor.

Even though I spent 30 minutes talking myself into moving from the bed to the couch earlier, I’m not upset today. Days like this use to begin in an array of unmanaged emotions. I’d normally begin crying because I wouldn’t understand why everything hurt. Then I’d continue crying because I felt guilty for crying in the first place, as if I should be stronger than the pain. However, not today.

Today, I acknowledged the body aches and fatigue are still here but no tears. I am learning it is just a part of me and it’s my job to adapt to this life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting my condition, I want to learn to live with it in harmony. Isn’t that what everyone wants, to feel happy? I mean, I get glimpses of happiness but if I’m being honest, it all still seems so untouchable.

What’s that saying, if you reach too high you might get burned down by the sun? Something like that is what I’m afraid of.

Two weeks ago I had convinced myself I was on a better path, I was progressing. Today I realize I’m still lost in a forest, hurt and moving slow, but still determined to find my way out.

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