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Two Down

HW:232 lbs

CW: 218 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I forgot to post yesterday but I did remember to weigh. I was down 2 pounds and I hope it continues.

I’ve been working really hard to make healthier eating choices. For example, yesterday I chose grilled fish over fried at Captain D’s. I’m hoping if I continue to make healthier choices, then the weight will just start falling off. At least, that’s what I’m keeping my fingers crossed for!

I’m still not able to cook my own meals, so I’m relying heavily on fast food with healthy options. I’ve tried cooking on and off over the last year, but I just don’t have the stamina for it anymore. When you try to cook, and you really don’t have the energy for it, minor to serious mistakes can happen. From something small like forgetting an ingredient, to a huge mistake like accidentally starting a kitchen fire. That’s right, one time I caught the kitchen on fire because I was so exhausted I forgot how grease fires occurred. It was such a stupid mistake but I was so tired I made it anyways.

Ever since then I’ve been reluctant to cook but I have tried really hard to do it anyways. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t worked out well. Maybe one day I can enjoy the hobby of cooking delicious food again but for now, I’ll just keep my distance from my kitchen.

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Abnormal Heart

“So am I or am I not in heart failure?”

Paraphrasing my doctor:

‘Well you see there still isn’t a definitive answer. We know your heart is definitely abnormal but that’s all we know for sure.’

“Okay…”

Today I wrapped up my doctors appointment feeling relieved. I have to choose to be relieved because it’s the only option to mentally survive the mind fuck that is my life.

The doctor told me to start weight training my legs, just like the guy a few weeks ago, and to lose weight. Then in 6 months, I will do ANOTHER CPX test to see if I’m worse, the same or better.

So here is to hoping that I can become my best self. ❤️

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Twinning with Kay

A few months before Kaydance was born, I legitimately was worried I wouldn’t live to meet her. I was in the thick of being evaluated for a heart transplant, and I just didn’t know what would happen. Live, Die, I didn’t know but thankfully needing a heart transplant has now been ruled out. Maybe in the future but not now, for now I live.

This means I was able to see Kaydance the day she joined our world and many times since. I’ve always wanted a niece even as a little girl, well once I learned I was never getting a little sister that is. Kaydance is such a blessing, we share the same genetics so we have the same eyes and hair, and I’m convinced she looks like me lol I’ve always wanted a twin 👯‍♀️ but I pray she has a better heart and will never have to deal with ARVD and Heart Failure.

BUT if she does, I hope I’m able to be an example of how you can still come out on top. That despite ALL the setbacks you might experience in life, your comeback can always be greater.

She is also a reminder that if I want my own children, I will have to work really hard on my body for it to be a possibility. If I‘m being truthful, I just don’t know if I’ll ever get to have my own children. I really don’t know what my path holds but I know whatever happens, what is meant to be will always be. ❤️

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#Blessed

I’ve heard to make every day a good day and boy did I today! I had so much fun seeing a couple of my old friends at a brunch and brush lettering class held by By Design! I have been awing brush lettering for a few years and wanted to learn how to do it, but due to my post-op hand injury in 2016, I didn’t get to start. However now, I’m finally stable enough with my left handwriting that I felt confident to try this, and while it still looks rough, I’m obsessed 😍 I can even do some writing with my right hand now but I have to hold it in a really weird way and then I’m in moderate to severe pain within minutes. Having CRPS can be a a real bitch 😒 but I guess it was the price I paid to not have tachycardia anymore. It is truly a blessing to say I’ve officially been off beta blockers for over a year now! I really appreciate how time really can heal you, it’s amazing.

After the lettering class, I went with my mom to my nephew’s baseball game. I swear, Kellan is so big now and it makes me a little sad. Mainly because I’m realizing how old I’m getting 😭😂

While at the game I was becoming seriously jealous of baby Graham’s gorgeous eyes 😍 I just wish this picture did him justice! Unfortunately, he isn’t related to me but I’d totally claim that he was 🙌🏻

But honestly, my favorite part of today was getting to spend it all with my best friend, my momma. I am so thankful for my new perspective on life and everyone who has helped me get here❤️ #blessed.

Head over to my instagram for pictures 😍

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Warrior

Today was good, after a very long time I got a surprising answer. I feel a new sense of peace with this information and I want to share it with all of you.

Today I was told by Dr. Tom, who I’ve come to adore for his genuine attitude, that while I do have heart failure it is not end stage heart failure. This simply means I’m not sick enough for a transplant. Which somehow correlated to the sum of: build up leg muscles, which I think was a polite way to say lose weight, and my quality of life will improve. Can you believe that in 2006 it was recommend I stop all cardio increasing activities and now that’s what I’m ultimately working towards?

So after over a decade of a constant fear of activities that could raise my heart rate, I’m determined to overcome that. I don’t want to be a slave to the fear and pain my body endures. I want to be a Warrior, someone who fights through it all and doesn’t show how the wounds phase her.

A warrior is who I shall become because this isn’t temporary, this is my life.

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This too shall pass

When I lay down, it sort of feels like I’m suffocating. It gets harder and harder to breath the longer I lay there. After a few minutes, I sit back up in this dark room. Dillon has slept peacefully as I’ve battled my body for the last 3 hours. Eventually I’ll get tired enough where I’ll just fall asleep, but until then, I guess this up and down cycle will persist.

I worry it’s fluid overload again, which of course would be my fault. It’s so hard eating a low salt diet because it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle change and change is hard. It’s been a month, and while I have had good days, I also have had bad. I keep trying though, no matter how many times I’ve fallen down, I have gotten back up.

So even though I’m so tired I could cry, I won’t. Not this time, because this too shall pass. 

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