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New Normal

It was really hard getting out of the house today after feeling so bad the past few days. But this morning after my mom called and woke me up at 11:30am, being the 6th time I was awaken since going to sleep that night, I realized I had to get up.

Yesterday I made a promise to myself, a prayer, a beg from the universe, whatever you want to call it. In the peak of what I’ve determined as the WORST pain I’ve felt in a long time, I was desperate and said to myself: “Everyday, no matter how bad you feel, what may hurt or how out of breath you get, everyday that isn’t like this, you will get your ass out of this house and start enjoying life again!”

Yesterday was a wake up call for me because I realized this general feeling that I refer to as “tired” isn’t going away and I will always feel moderately shitty for the rest of my life. I mean, I have several chronic illnesses that have heavily impacted my life and they have totaled my body. I’m running on faulty and missing parts, just doing my best to put myself back together again. I will never be what I once was, but I can look just as good once I’m refurbished.

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Depressed Maybe?

I think I’m depressed, I really don’t know. I woke up this morning feeling extremely sad, which is dumb because there’s no reason to be sad. I hate that days like this happen, it’s quite pathetic.

I don’t understand why I can’t just be normal, or at the very least, not chronically ill and depressed. That’s just not the life I was given, so what am I to do? I’m currently still laying in bed at one in the afternoon, and even though I have an Upper Respiratory Infection that’s not the reason I’m still in bed.

The sadness consumes me, as if someone has died and maybe someone has, maybe me?

Days like this are the worst, the loneliness consumes me and I fight so hard to keep the tears in, but they always come out. Then I feel guilty for crying, because really, why am I? Nothing bad has happened, NOTHING, I just woke up with sadness inside me. I get so mad that I feel this way, I just wish I could make it stop but I can’t. Oh how I’ve tried for years to control my mind, but have yet to master it.

I am trapped in the prison of my own body, never able to escape this constant hell. Always expected to live up to societal norms yet restricted from doing the things I desire most. Day in and day out, I try so hard to find the best, telling myself this is good enough but the truth is, it doesn’t feel good enough. I don’t know how to make my life better, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to be doing. However, I know this too shall pass.

Feelings are only temporary, including the bad ones. So I’ll peel myself up in another hour, take a shower and fake a smile until it feels real again.

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Ramblings

On Tuesday, the doctor diagnosed me with an upper respiratory infection. Which, really isn’t that bad compared to something like the flu or pneumonia. Yet, I still feel completely beat down as if I had something more severe. Which has led me to a couple of thoughts.

One, if I feel this bad with something as mild as an upper respiratory infection, I imagine anything worse would make me bed bound.

Two, I think it’s super annoying something as mild as an upper respiratory infection has me feeling this bad. An upper respiratory infection was something I used to work through, no big deal. Then again, I also used to be able to work on days I wasn’t sick, that also isn’t my life anymore.

I know my life is different now, I know it is but I can’t accept it. I have to continue to fight for a better tomorrow and God it is hard. It would be so much easier to let my body win and stop trying to get better but I can’t.

So I continue researching my mystery symptoms, I continue going to doctors appointments even when they seem pointless and I continue looking for new courses of treatment. I may never get better, I may live the rest of my life in this limbo hell, but at least at the end of my life, I’ll know I did everything I could to make it a good one. Because this is it, all we have. Each day that passes, is just one step closer to death and I’m tired of feeling like my days are wasted. I don’t know how I’ll change my life course, but I’m determined to try.

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