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Slow and Steady

HW:232 lbs

CW: 214.8 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I haven’t posted my update in a minute, oops. Consistency is difficult these days but I’m still trying to lose weight.

I started doing 5 squats a day around the first of May. I know it’s not a lot, and it’s sad I can still barely do 10 on my great days but it’s progress.

Speaking of progress, there is proof I am getting younger and thinner πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ» I was ID twice today to verify I was over 18! That hasn’t happened in a long time, so I’m thinking it’s a good thing.

I can’t wait till I feel better so I can do my make up. I really want to get a good new picture of my haircut, I’m really loving it short! It’s so much easier to manage. Unfortunately, I have been having problems with my left arm and hand, and as you know my right hand doesn’t work properly already. So doing things has been a little extra difficult, so the fun stuff like GLAM, has been put on hold. It’s OK though, working on my T-shirt’s is a fun task I’m loving right now, that still offers a way to make extra cash. I just can’t stop trying to make my own money; hustler at heart.

https://teespring.com/stores/chill-revival

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Destiny

I was calm.

For the first time, in a very long time, I remained calm in a conversation about the future. It no longer depresses or scares me, I’m actually excited for it. Things are coming together in their own, weird, cosmic way.

I’m finding my path and even though I keep falling down, I don’t stop. I’m creating the best life I can with the cards I’ve been dealt.

I’d say ‘wish me luck’ but it’s not needed; I am able to see my destiny now.

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7 is now a 3

HW:232 lbs

CW: 217 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I’m finally seeing weight loss again and I’m so pleased! Especially after all the chaos last weekend but I’m still feeling the aftermath physically and I can’t wait for this torture to end.

I have different levels of feeling bad but call them all “sick” because that’s easiest in conversation. However, I’d love to explain the differences.

Have you ever been to the doctor and they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most severe? Probably so, it’s a concept I was taught at a very young age.

As the years have gone by my pain scale has shifted. What use to be a 7 is now a 3 and I never use a 10 no matter how bad things get.

Most normal days are a 3-4, that’s the amount of pain and discomfort I’m in on average. This week I’ve been hanging around a 6, and it’s been very difficult to push through.

I realized the other day while talking to Dillon, that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt good. I vaguely remember what it use to be like, my memory isn’t what it was but I know I use to feel good, even great. I use to have so much energy and bad days only happened a handful of times a year. It’s crazy that I may never feel that way again.

Since November 2016 I’ve been in constant pain of varying degrees. It’s truly still mind boggling that it’s possible it will continue for the rest of my life. Honestly though, it’s okay.

I’m on a new path now, emotionally, physically and mentally. I’m learning my body, my boundaries and a way to balance life with a disability. My medical condition has progressed so much that I am physically disabled. I never thought that would be a true statement and it sounds incorrect when I say it but it’s true.

However, this isn’t the end, I don’t stop here. As I’ve been working on accepting my circumstances, I have found myself feeling freer. I’m now to a point where I feel like I can fly again. I’m learning I can still do things, and I don’t have to feel guilty on the bad days. It’s really all about finding a balance and knowing what is meant to be will always find a way.

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Get Up Anyway

I feel like I’ve gone over this time and time again, vomiting positive bullshit out of my mouth. Trying to convince myself the pain is not that bad, the situation will get better and tomorrow is a new day. You know, all the positive things I hear other people say, I’ve been trying to trick my mind into believing them.

The problem is, this is now the third week I’ve been feeling like this. I don’t even really know what’s wrong, I just know everything hurts and I’m super tired. So then I have to wonder, am I depressed?

I mean I honestly have no idea, maybe I am and I just don’t know? I guess it’s possible. The only thing I do know for sure is how guilty I feel over the condition of my physical state.

I keep thinking it’s my fault. I mean, it is just so hard for me to understand how my life ended up here. For so many years, I felt a little sense of pride working as hard as I could, through illness, pain and fatigue. Now I can’t even get out of my bed before noon because of my symptoms. Everything takes me so much longer now and there isn’t really a good way to explain that to people. How do you explain to someone that you look exactly the same, but you can’t do half of what you used to? Doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, shit it doesn’t make sense to me either.

But it is what it is. At the end of the day, this is still my life and I’m the one has to learn to manage it.

So even though every square inch of my body aches and I know if I close my eyes I’d fall back to sleep, I’m going to get up out of this bed and go to the gym. The Heart Failure Doctor told me to build up leg muscles so that is what I’m going to try and do.

In the end, losing weight and building up leg muscles may not make me feel any better. In fact, it could actually make things worse since it’s believed exercising is linked to the progression of ARVD. However, I just have to get up and do it anyways since it appears to be my last option in this fight against my body.

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Two Down

HW:232 lbs

CW: 218 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I forgot to post yesterday but I did remember to weigh. I was down 2 pounds and I hope it continues.

I’ve been working really hard to make healthier eating choices. For example, yesterday I chose grilled fish over fried at Captain D’s. I’m hoping if I continue to make healthier choices, then the weight will just start falling off. At least, that’s what I’m keeping my fingers crossed for!

I’m still not able to cook my own meals, so I’m relying heavily on fast food with healthy options. I’ve tried cooking on and off over the last year, but I just don’t have the stamina for it anymore. When you try to cook, and you really don’t have the energy for it, minor to serious mistakes can happen. From something small like forgetting an ingredient, to a huge mistake like accidentally starting a kitchen fire. That’s right, one time I caught the kitchen on fire because I was so exhausted I forgot how grease fires occurred. It was such a stupid mistake but I was so tired I made it anyways.

Ever since then I’ve been reluctant to cook but I have tried really hard to do it anyways. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t worked out well. Maybe one day I can enjoy the hobby of cooking delicious food again but for now, I’ll just keep my distance from my kitchen.

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No Right or Wrong

My entire body aches and I yearn for rest.

I really thought I was improving things a couple of weeks ago, but now I wonder if I just over did it and I’m still just paying for trying to be normal.

There is no right or wrong, there is only trial and error when dealing with chronic illness.

People have opinions, no matter what treatment you try someone always thinks their solution is the right one. People even convince you to believe in their solutions and it’s only after a disaster you realize you shouldn’t trust anyone, even if you call them doctor.

Even though I spent 30 minutes talking myself into moving from the bed to the couch earlier, I’m not upset today. Days like this use to begin in an array of unmanaged emotions. I’d normally begin crying because I wouldn’t understand why everything hurt. Then I’d continue crying because I felt guilty for crying in the first place, as if I should be stronger than the pain. However, not today.

Today, I acknowledged the body aches and fatigue are still here but no tears. I am learning it is just a part of me and it’s my job to adapt to this life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting my condition, I want to learn to live with it in harmony. Isn’t that what everyone wants, to feel happy? I mean, I get glimpses of happiness but if I’m being honest, it all still seems so untouchable.

What’s that saying, if you reach too high you might get burned down by the sun? Something like that is what I’m afraid of.

Two weeks ago I had convinced myself I was on a better path, I was progressing. Today I realize I’m still lost in a forest, hurt and moving slow, but still determined to find my way out.

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Abnormal Heart

“So am I or am I not in heart failure?”

Paraphrasing my doctor:

‘Well you see there still isn’t a definitive answer. We know your heart is definitely abnormal but that’s all we know for sure.’

“Okay…”

β€’

Today I wrapped up my doctors appointment feeling relieved. I have to choose to be relieved because it’s the only option to mentally survive the mind fuck that is my life.

The doctor told me to start weight training my legs, just like the guy a few weeks ago, and to lose weight. Then in 6 months, I will do ANOTHER CPX test to see if I’m worse, the same or better.

So here is to hoping that I can become my best self. ❀️

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