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New Normal

It was really hard getting out of the house today after feeling so bad the past few days. But this morning after my mom called and woke me up at 11:30am, being the 6th time I was awaken since going to sleep that night, I realized I had to get up.

Yesterday I made a promise to myself, a prayer, a beg from the universe, whatever you want to call it. In the peak of what I’ve determined as the WORST pain I’ve felt in a long time, I was desperate and said to myself: “Everyday, no matter how bad you feel, what may hurt or how out of breath you get, everyday that isn’t like this, you will get your ass out of this house and start enjoying life again!”

Yesterday was a wake up call for me because I realized this general feeling that I refer to as “tired” isn’t going away and I will always feel moderately shitty for the rest of my life. I mean, I have several chronic illnesses that have heavily impacted my life and they have totaled my body. I’m running on faulty and missing parts, just doing my best to put myself back together again. I will never be what I once was, but I can look just as good once I’m refurbished.

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Twinning with Kay

A few months before Kaydance was born, I legitimately was worried I wouldn’t live to meet her. I was in the thick of being evaluated for a heart transplant, and I just didn’t know what would happen. Live, Die, I didn’t know but thankfully needing a heart transplant has now been ruled out. Maybe in the future but not now, for now I live.

This means I was able to see Kaydance the day she joined our world and many times since. I’ve always wanted a niece even as a little girl, well once I learned I was never getting a little sister that is. Kaydance is such a blessing, we share the same genetics so we have the same eyes and hair, and I’m convinced she looks like me lol I’ve always wanted a twin 👯‍♀️ but I pray she has a better heart and will never have to deal with ARVD and Heart Failure.

BUT if she does, I hope I’m able to be an example of how you can still come out on top. That despite ALL the setbacks you might experience in life, your comeback can always be greater.

She is also a reminder that if I want my own children, I will have to work really hard on my body for it to be a possibility. If I‘m being truthful, I just don’t know if I’ll ever get to have my own children. I really don’t know what my path holds but I know whatever happens, what is meant to be will always be. ❤️

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Gift Of Time

Dillon and I fight pretty often. It’s not like name calling and violence, but we are constantly arguing about something. We are both fiercely stubborn, but it actually may just be me who is stubborn, oops.

However, during an argument this weekend, which is Dillon’s version of helping me during a panic attack, he said something I really took to heart.

He told me I have something that so many people wish they had, time. Despite the doctors appointments and feeling bad, I still have all this free time to do anything I want.

Of course I was mad at the time, I was coming out of a panic attack all hyped up on feelings but I haven’t stopped thinking about that.

He is right, I do have time. I get to wake up when I want, I get to go where I want and I can work on anything I want. I have the time to see old friends and learn a new skill but I haven’t.

On days I feel good, I’m normally consumed with guilt for feeling bad the days prior. I spend so much time in my head sulking that my good days pass me by, wasted on guilt.

I’ve decided no more. No longer can I be adding to my burdens, I have to be the one to change them into blessings.

I’m not exactly sure how I will achieve this, but I’m going to work really hard to make it happen. I want to live a full life, not a life full of excuses. I have chronic illnesses but they can’t be what defines me.

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