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Get Up Anyway

I feel like I’ve gone over this time and time again, vomiting positive bullshit out of my mouth. Trying to convince myself the pain is not that bad, the situation will get better and tomorrow is a new day. You know, all the positive things I hear other people say, I’ve been trying to trick my mind into believing them.

The problem is, this is now the third week I’ve been feeling like this. I don’t even really know what’s wrong, I just know everything hurts and I’m super tired. So then I have to wonder, am I depressed?

I mean I honestly have no idea, maybe I am and I just don’t know? I guess it’s possible. The only thing I do know for sure is how guilty I feel over the condition of my physical state.

I keep thinking it’s my fault. I mean, it is just so hard for me to understand how my life ended up here. For so many years, I felt a little sense of pride working as hard as I could, through illness, pain and fatigue. Now I can’t even get out of my bed before noon because of my symptoms. Everything takes me so much longer now and there isn’t really a good way to explain that to people. How do you explain to someone that you look exactly the same, but you can’t do half of what you used to? Doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, shit it doesn’t make sense to me either.

But it is what it is. At the end of the day, this is still my life and I’m the one has to learn to manage it.

So even though every square inch of my body aches and I know if I close my eyes I’d fall back to sleep, I’m going to get up out of this bed and go to the gym. The Heart Failure Doctor told me to build up leg muscles so that is what I’m going to try and do.

In the end, losing weight and building up leg muscles may not make me feel any better. In fact, it could actually make things worse since it’s believed exercising is linked to the progression of ARVD. However, I just have to get up and do it anyways since it appears to be my last option in this fight against my body.

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Two Down

HW:232 lbs

CW: 218 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I forgot to post yesterday but I did remember to weigh. I was down 2 pounds and I hope it continues.

I’ve been working really hard to make healthier eating choices. For example, yesterday I chose grilled fish over fried at Captain D’s. I’m hoping if I continue to make healthier choices, then the weight will just start falling off. At least, that’s what I’m keeping my fingers crossed for!

I’m still not able to cook my own meals, so I’m relying heavily on fast food with healthy options. I’ve tried cooking on and off over the last year, but I just don’t have the stamina for it anymore. When you try to cook, and you really don’t have the energy for it, minor to serious mistakes can happen. From something small like forgetting an ingredient, to a huge mistake like accidentally starting a kitchen fire. That’s right, one time I caught the kitchen on fire because I was so exhausted I forgot how grease fires occurred. It was such a stupid mistake but I was so tired I made it anyways.

Ever since then I’ve been reluctant to cook but I have tried really hard to do it anyways. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t worked out well. Maybe one day I can enjoy the hobby of cooking delicious food again but for now, I’ll just keep my distance from my kitchen.

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New Normal

It was really hard getting out of the house today after feeling so bad the past few days. But this morning after my mom called and woke me up at 11:30am, being the 6th time I was awaken since going to sleep that night, I realized I had to get up.

Yesterday I made a promise to myself, a prayer, a beg from the universe, whatever you want to call it. In the peak of what I’ve determined as the WORST pain I’ve felt in a long time, I was desperate and said to myself: “Everyday, no matter how bad you feel, what may hurt or how out of breath you get, everyday that isn’t like this, you will get your ass out of this house and start enjoying life again!”

Yesterday was a wake up call for me because I realized this general feeling that I refer to as “tired” isn’t going away and I will always feel moderately shitty for the rest of my life. I mean, I have several chronic illnesses that have heavily impacted my life and they have totaled my body. I’m running on faulty and missing parts, just doing my best to put myself back together again. I will never be what I once was, but I can look just as good once I’m refurbished.

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No Struggle, No Progress

HW:232 lbs

CW: 222 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

My weight hasn’t changed yet which sucks but is expected since I’m struggling to turn down carbs.

I’ve decided to try a Keto diet or low carb diet again and I think it’ll be the easiest to stick to after I get going. I really got into it back in 2016 but I only made it a couple weeks in when I had a tachycardia storm and was told to stop. Now that my tachycardia has been absent for over a year, I’m ready to try again.

Luckily, I’m very educated on what I should and shouldn’t eat so going out and things won’t be stressful like when I was just counting calories in the Fall. I hate having to count every calorie, I prefer counting carbs instead so this is going to be great.

I just have to learn to have self control, because my self restraint can be really lacking at times when it comes to unhealthy food. However, I know it’s an issue and I know with time I will learn to say no to my self indulgence.

This is going to be a long and trying year; nothing will be easy about losing 70 pounds but it will definitely be worth it.

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#Blessed

I’ve heard to make every day a good day and boy did I today! I had so much fun seeing a couple of my old friends at a brunch and brush lettering class held by By Design! I have been awing brush lettering for a few years and wanted to learn how to do it, but due to my post-op hand injury in 2016, I didn’t get to start. However now, I’m finally stable enough with my left handwriting that I felt confident to try this, and while it still looks rough, I’m obsessed 😍 I can even do some writing with my right hand now but I have to hold it in a really weird way and then I’m in moderate to severe pain within minutes. Having CRPS can be a a real bitch 😒 but I guess it was the price I paid to not have tachycardia anymore. It is truly a blessing to say I’ve officially been off beta blockers for over a year now! I really appreciate how time really can heal you, it’s amazing.

After the lettering class, I went with my mom to my nephew’s baseball game. I swear, Kellan is so big now and it makes me a little sad. Mainly because I’m realizing how old I’m getting 😭😂

While at the game I was becoming seriously jealous of baby Graham’s gorgeous eyes 😍 I just wish this picture did him justice! Unfortunately, he isn’t related to me but I’d totally claim that he was 🙌🏻

But honestly, my favorite part of today was getting to spend it all with my best friend, my momma. I am so thankful for my new perspective on life and everyone who has helped me get here❤️ #blessed.

Head over to my instagram for pictures 😍

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Butterfly Emerging 2019

Here is the scoop:

Somewhere between 2013 and 2015 I gained weight, a lot of weight! I had been steadily gaining since 2012 but by 2015 it was very apparent. In total, at my highest weight I gained 105 pounds. In 2011 I hit my all time low of 128 pounds and my all time high topped 232 pounds in 2016.

I ended 2016 knowing I had to make changes in 2017. So I lost a few pounds last Spring but I really started to see a difference by Fall! Only about 10-20 pounds gone, holding water makes it super inconsistent, but I can see a little difference in my appearance already.

After all this time, I now understand chronic illness is just my cross to bear and I am determined to become strong enough for it. This means I have to really recenter my mind, body and spirit. I honestly feel like my body will be the easiest of the these tasks. So with that, I am beginning my one year weight loss challenge. I am going to start posting weight updates every Sunday and that’s all I know so far. I’m not even sure where I’ll start, maybe a detox or keto, we’ll see. I just know a year from now, I will be in a better place.

HW:232 lbs

CW: 222 lbs

GW: 150 lbs

GD: 3/23/2019

I actually can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve always been tolerating of my plus size figure but I never wanted to disclose my actual weight. Admitting the numbers still kind of shocks and disappoints me. I now admit I have not been doing everything I can to help myself but I’m going to change that. So I’m going to share this butterfly quote again because it’s just completely in sync with how I’ve been feeling.

I’m leaving the past as I transform my mind, body and spirit into something new and beautiful.

I haven’t felt this confident or excited in a long time, so I’m really ready for this new chapter of my life. 🦋

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